Saturday, November 2, 2013

The middle way - Freeing ourselves from the two extremes

Dear all,

I was not active in my blog for a while because I had been busy in my real life. Anyway, a part of me belongs here. My feminine heart brings me back!

I have received emails from several cross dreamer friends who went through the struggle I had to endure. (I have written about the struggle I went through in my first post in this blog which can be read here). They are worried that their "love for themselves in feminine image" is taking over their lives. They have strong urges to be a wife/girlfriend to a man, they are not able to relate themselves as a man to women etc. While, I humbly accept that I am not a psychiatrist to give an expert advise, I would still want to write down some words of love, just assuming the role of a sister.

I would like to begin with a story. When Buddha was in the middle of his search for enlightenment, he once happen to listen to a music teacher, who was demonstrating a musical instrument to students. He was showing that if the strings of the instrument is too tight, then the instrument will not play harmoniously. If the strings are set too loose, the instrument will not produce music. Only the middle way, not too tight and not too loose, will produce harmonious music. The story says that this gave a flash of insight to Buddha and he recognized that the right spirituality is a middle way between the two extremes of life. The extremes being - One : Over indulgence in worldly pleasures neglecting morality and Two : Total asceticism in which the saints sacrificed all their worldly pleasures to live ascetic lives in deep forests.

Sorry for being a little off-topic. But, being a silly girl, Jaya maintains the right to talk endlessly over anything (something my male self would not do). LOL.

Anyway, translating Buddha's discovery in our context. We can also try to free ourselves from the two extremes.

First extreme :
  • Hating yourself for having girly fantasies.
  • Hating yourself for not feeling masculine enough.
  • Being anxious of the inability to relate with other women as a man.
  • Fear of disgrace. 
  • Attempts to forcefully emasculate yourself by affirming you are a man and ignoring the existence of feminine feelings within you. 
Second extreme:
  • Indulging in the fantasies in which you are a girl/woman (while truth being that you are a man) for a major share of your private time
  • Ignoring the real life challenges that needs to be dealt with, so as to find time for cross-dreaming, and thus letting this be strengthened as a habit
  • Keeping yourself away from social situations
  • Relating the normal activities in your life in terms of your feminine fantasies and thus developing an false perception towards life

My recommendations for a middle way
  • Accept that you occasionally have feminine feelings and fantasies. Love your own feminine side. Don't be shy. Don't hate yourself for her existence. Embrace that sweet girl within you. Love and accept her as a part of your life. I have written a post Acknowledge your truth - Unchain the Princess within! which could be helpful. The point is to love the girl in you totally, and still making a decision to move forward in your life as a healthy, reasonable individual.
  • While we love our girly feelings, we should not hate our male selves as well, because it is the male self which represents us in the society and deals with the matters of our real life. Let me point to another blog post Let's not hate our male selves! on this topic. The point is, our love for our feminine self should not stop us from building the skills that are required by a man to move on.
  • Do not ignore any of your real life challenges so as to find time for the dreams. Deal with all of them. 
  • Be dynamic. Life is movement. Be that "bubbly girl" :-). Do more physical activities. And keep going. 
  •  Life will bring alot of triggers before us. You may have a girly dream in sleep, someone may tease you for being feminine, you may see a beautiful woman and will want to be like her. Accept these feelings. as part of you. Smile at yourself, and tell yourself what a cute adorable girly kitten you are. But, if you are in the middle of something that is important, keep moving on with that.If you let your inner feminine feelings take over your normal functioning, that will cause frustration in long run.
  • Find a creative outlet for your inner woman to express herself. You could do this through art,writing,discussing your feelings in online forums etc. (This blog is an outlet for Jaya to speak out her feminine heart!)
  • I have found that it is useful to shut down yourself from crossdreaming for a while, especially if you have been doing excessive cross-dreaming for a while. Do this for any number of days(or months) that is possible for you. When we do this, I have experienced that my thinking patterns are getting realigned (like my brain is getting re-wired), and I am able to get back the natural male confidence, which was weakened by over indulgence in fantasies for a long time. This is purely my experience, and I am not sure whether it will work for everyone.   

I wish good luck to all of my sisters, and would like to remind you that all of you are princesses of your own inner world!. Rejoice, and still move on in your real life.

If my post looked like an article from an expert, I would like to humbly declare that I am not one. I am still just a beginner in my journey to know who I am. I am writing about a very tricky topic, and I might be wrong as well. I am always the silly girl Jaya, your sister :-)

Love and Hugs,